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Better Husband, Committed Husband, Good Husband

How to Be A Better Husband – The 4 Levels of Mastery

By  T. Lavon Lawrence

How to Be A Better Husband - Mastering Good Husband Habits Over Time
Here's How Committed Husbands Can Go From Chump To Champion - Marital Competence in Four Logical Steps

There is nothing easy about being a good husband, because if it were, we wouldn't have a divorce rate in excess of 40%.   If men knew what it takes to make a wife happy, women wouldn't be the ones filing two thirds of the divorces, and the average duration of marriages in the United States would be much longer than eleven years.  

Since you're taking the time to read this, it must mean that you're the kind of husband who wants to beat those odds.  Here is an approach that will insure that with each passing day you become a better husband, and put yourself on the winning side of the marriage stats.

Growing into an amazing husband is a much bigger deal than learning to ride a bicycle, although they do have something in common.  You see, learning to ride a bicycle and becoming a master level husband both involve summoning the courage to take risks in order to experience a life-changing rite of passage.  

Moving from rank beginner to worry-free operator involves learning how to do it and applying persistent practice with varying degrees of improvement over time.   Your goal might start out with difficulty, but with patience and persistence, the long-term effort can become as pleasantly easy as riding a bike.  

The key to becoming so becoming excellent at any worthwhile pursuit is mastery.  That is, to move steadily through a progression of improving skill levels until your ability is so effective and well-conditioned that it seems to comes naturally. 

The steps that move you from beginner to master was well summarized in 1970's management training around the United States by means of 'The Four Stages of Competence,' illustrated in the form of a pyramid, divided into four levels.  For our purposes here, we apply the four stages of mastery to the 'better husband' discipline as follows;

How to Be A Better Husband - The Four Stages of Mastery

Let's break down the stages and apply them to the process of going from merely 'guessing' as to what characteristics make a man into a premium marriage partner to becoming the living embodiment of a good husband.

Level One Beginner - Unconsciously Incompetent - The husband does not know how to go about his roles well, and might be ignorant to the fact that he is incompetent.  He may even dismiss the need to improve a mental, emotional, physical, financial (or other) shortcoming just to save face.  

To avoid becoming another divorce statistic, he will have to perceive his flaws and understand how fixing them will bring the desired outcome. The pace at which a husband rises above this stage to the next level depends on how motivated he is combined with the amount of effort he is willing to focus on reaching his goals.

Example Scenario -  A loving husband, not understanding the impact to his bride, keeps old photos of his ex-girlfriends, maintains talkative connections to old female associates on social media, and keeps porn bookmarks on his browser, letting his wife know by his missteps that he divides his attention, taking what should be hers and giving it to other women.

Level Two Amateur - Consciously Incompetent - The husband has decided to repair his mental, emotional, physical, financial or problem area and begun the effort.  As with any new endeavor worth pursuing, mistakes are to be expected as the learning and growth process takes shape.

Example Scenario -  After a well-earned verbal education by his disappointed wife, the husband asks a few people he trusts about the issue, and learns about a wife's healthy desire for 100% exclusivity to match a 100% marriage commitment.  Armed with fresh information and intent to fulfil his vows to have eyes only for her, he begins to remove any opposite sex distractions from his life.  He reminds himself daily of his pledge and works honestly to make 100% focus into a habit she'll notice.

Level Three Competent - Consciously Competent - The individual understands or knows how to do something. However, demonstrating the skill or knowledge requires concentration. It may be broken down into steps, and there is heavy conscious involvement in executing the new skill.

At this stage, the husband has had time to practice and apply advice, tactics, and skills picked up from asking trusted sources, online research, books, workshops and the like.  Whereas he has made progress, the changes may not yet be hard-wired.  Continued progress to move past this to the next stage occurs with patience and persistence.

Example Scenario - For a few years, things are going well as the husband has forged a good habit of making his wife feel exclusive, cherished, and a full partner.  Sometimes, though, he gets frustrated, and has to remind himself sometimes as to why he wants to beat the odds and enjoy a life long, happy marriage.  There may be the occasional argument, but this husband has gained a nice amount of control over his reactions by keeping his mind focused on the relationship, and not necessarily winning every match.

Level Four Master - Unconsciously Competent - The individual has had so much practice with a skill that it has become "second nature" and can be performed easily. As a result, the skill can be performed while executing another task. The individual may be able to teach it to others, depending upon how and when it was learned.

Example Scenario - Eventually, the husband has built a set of daily habits that virtually guarantee that he can make his wife happy.  He has taken the time to thoroughly chart her deep needs and worthwhile desires and adjusted his lifestyle to put as much happiness and satisfaction into their as he can.   At this point, his knowledge, experience, and rewards make him a highly-prized, rare gem of a husband who stands out like a star in the night.

By adopting an attitude of mastery - of learning and overcoming your own ignorance, assumptions, and natural male laziness in relationships, you can beat the scary odds stacked against a successful marriage.  If you are willing to work so that you can enjoy a happy marriage, happy wife and happy life, don't do like the majority of husbands do - or fail to do.  Consider you role as husband one of learning, discipline, and continuous growth toward well-rounded success.  Aim for mastery!

T. Lavon Lawrence


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